[OR_liff] True Oregon Facts!, Volume One

2695.Being an Actual Oregonian, born in Actual Oregon and All That, I can be considered to be an authority of Actual Oregon Stuff, provided you haven’t Actually Checked With Anyone Else First.

But nevermind that now! I have decided, having little else to share, to share my immense trove of genetically-coded Actual Oregon Knowlege with you. Herewith, the first volume of True Oregon Facts!

  • Scotts Mills, Oregon, was founded specifically so that the residents of Molalla would have a town they’d be allowed to make fun of.
  • The locality of Four Corners, just outside of Salem, was named because State Street and Lancaster Drive met at an intersection with four corners to it. This also gave rise to the Intersection Act of 1905, which ruled that, to prevent confusion with Four Corners, all subsequent intersections must three or fewer or five or more corners to them. This greatly restricted urban sprawl.
  • Eugene, Oregon is only a legend and has no basis in fact; its reputation is based solely on a Ken Kesey novel in which the mythical town was laid out, titled “One Flew Over The Duck’s Nest”.
  • Oregon’s only “town”, the Town of Hammond, was made extinct in 1991 when it was eaten whole by the mayor of adjacent Warrenton. To this day, Warrentonian children are made to behave with veiled threats by their parents that if they don’t shape up, the mayor’s coming over.
  • Celilo Falls’ name was based on a Chinuk word meaning “Great Thundering Water the White Man will soon submerge behind a dam, but at least we get to sell him fish at the side of the road, livin’ the dream.”
  • The city of Astoria was founded by about 50 New Yorkers who took a wrong turn on the Triborough bridge, found themselves 3,000 miles from civilization, and were too arrogant to admit to each other that they didn’t know where they were.
  • Enterprise, Oregon was named after the USS Enterprise … just not the one you’re probably thinking of.
  • We actually have a town called Milton-Freewater. We’re all trying to figure out WTF about that, too.
  • Roseburg was named for a mysterious, gigantic floating flower of which only 1/10th showed above the surface of the South Umpqua River.
  • Frank Herbert write the iconic science fiction novel Dune after spending some time in Florence near the Oregon Dunes, but it was really the dry and arid social life there that influenced him. The Fremen, it is said, were inspired by the Florence City Council. Nobody knows where he came up with the spice. That stuff’s whacked, man.
  • Scio, in Linn County, comprises 3/10ths of a square mile … all of it land, broken dreams, despair, and weariness.
  • Chinuk Wawa – Chinook jargon, the trade language of the Northwest native tribes – as 12 words for “waterfall”, fifteen words for “salmon”, forty words for “rain shower”, but only three for “leveraged buyout”.
  • Salem” was a name chosen for the capital city that was inspired by the Santiam name, “place of rest”, or “Chemeketa”. Other alternative names were “Kickoffyershoes”, “Youkidsstayouttamyyard”, or Lars Larson’s suggestion, “R’lyeh”.
  • The Willamette Valley is estimated to have been inhabited for the last 10,000 years … but only stylishly for the last 30 or so.
  • “The Dalles” were taken from the French “La Dalles”. It’s said that “La” is French for “The”. Nobody knows what the hell “Dalles” are. Or were. Or if there’s more than one of them. Or … hey! Look over there! Milton-Freewater!
  • Tom McCall was Oregon’s first cyborg governor. All governors since (with the exception of Kulongoski) were, to some degree, augmented bionically in a plan to create the perfect Governor. Saxton was a clone. We’re ALL still trying to figure out what Sizemore is/was.
  • Oregon’s current motto is “She Flies With Her Own Wings”,changed from “The Union” (1957-1987). Other mottos we used include “Between Washington and California” (1901-02), “Pull My Finger” (Most Holiday Seasons Between 72 and 76), “Not Idaho” (Jun-Aug 1943), “No, Cut The RED Wire” (37-39), “Take the Red Pill, Neo” (Odd numbered months in 97), “Home Of Leverage” (Sundays 8pm, 7pm Central) and “Nadine, Get Me A 6-Pack of Beer At the Plaid Pantry” (incomes of $30K and under)
My personal research is coming up with new discoveries all the time. So stay tuned to this blog and I’ll post them … as soon as I can find them. 
True Oregon Facts! May we advise you to Accept No True Oregon Fact Subsitutes? Ours are the original and genuine!
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